Having Kinley was one of the best days of my life. Any mother can vouch for the amazing ride of emotions following this beautiful baby that God has brought into your life. For Russell and I it was one of the hardest times in our marriage. For several months I cluelessly wondered where my life was going, and felt extremely overwhelmed, and uncertain about going back to a job I absolutely loved.
Regardless of how prepared I was, and how much I was looking forward to Kinley arriving, my first year as a mother had some unexpected emotional highs and lows. I remember it was so lovely, but there were many times I just wanted to scream. Barbara Johnson says it perfect "No one likes change but babies in diapers." Man is that the truth!
When you become a mother, the love for your child makes you totally open and vulnerable. Here we were, two "Dinks" (dual income no kids) and all of a sudden the love I had for this precious baby girl took me further than I could have ever imagined.
I spent many nights walking my colicky baby girl not knowing what to do. I asked for strength when I was mentally exhausted from laundry, nursing, and maintaining my lifestyle with no sleep. I closed myself off to my husband and didn't feel the same connection I once had to my friends. Though I was going through this dark stage in my life, deep down I also felt this constant pull in my faith. Jeremiah 29:13 says “And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart". That's exactly what happened; I finally started rebuilding my relationship with Christ. In a famous quote by St. Augustine, "God is the farmer, and if he abandons man, man becomes a desert. Man is also a farmer and if he leaves God, he turns himself into a desert." WOW! Was I was living in death valley!
As I look back on that stage in my life, I realized I was so busy staying busy, that I stopped spending time with the Lord. Once I invited Jesus back into the process, I began having hope. Finally God's light has helped me prune away old patterns and has taken me into a new direction.
Today I'm still a mom that has many struggles, and yes I still have those days where I want to sell my kids for two cents or... best offer... Having faith hasn't made me perfect, (ask anyone one who knows me especially my husband) but, it does give me hope that I can become even a better mom everyday with His help. God helps me appreciate my life on a whole different level.
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
I bless the LORD who gives me conusel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also dwells secure.
For you do not give me up to Sheol, or let your godly one see the Pit.
You show me the path of life; in your presence there is fulness of joy, in your right hand are pleasures for evermore.Psalm 16:1-2, 7-11
I think you are a perfect mom Diane! You are strong,patient, generous, and fair and your daughters are so lucky to have you in their lives. You are going to teach them so much!
ReplyDeleteThank you Holli!!! You are such a wonderful friend:) I'm so glad I met you before we moved:).
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